If you asked me what I’ve learned in the past year or so that’s had the most significant impact on my well-being, it’s that I need not identify with my thoughts. In other words, recognising that I am not what I’m thinking.
We all have that voice in our head telling us that we’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, etc. And it’s so easy to identify with what it’s telling you because it is, after all, “you” who’s saying or feeling it. How can it not be “real”?
This is even more pertinent when it comes to our emotional responses to events. We all have a tendency to identify with what we’re feeling; “I am angry”, “I am sad”. Again, it’s counterintuitive to think that you are not what you are feeling because it’s you who is doing the feeling. But recognising that emotions are simply thoughts that arise in consciousness and that, like thoughts, emotions can also drift out of consciousness, fading like smoke in a breeze.
Imagine what it would be like if you could disconnect from that voice and see that, far from being a reasonable perspective on your life, that voice is as logically consistent, coherent, and connected to reality as your drunk uncle at Christmas. It’s not a voice you need to pay any attention to at all and with practice you start to recognise that voice for what it is; a chattering monkey that’s little more than an irritating soundtrack to your day. And what’s more, it’s a soundtrack where the volume can be turned down. And I’ve found that mindfulness meditation is what works for me.
Identifying yourself in terms of what you happen to be thinking or feeling leads to self-judgement and by recognising that you’re not what you feel, it gets easier to let it go and be kinder to yourself and those around you. And while books, podcasts, and blog posts are great for when we’re feeling calm and rational, I’ve found that everything I learned in those moments goes out the window when I’m feeling tired, frustrated, hungry, etc. But being aware of what I’m feeling in the moment allows me to recognise what’s coming and in some cases, simply stop that feeling in its tracks.
I can’t stress how big of an impact this has made in my life. The ability to reduce the half-life of anger or stress or disappointment is like a superpower in terms of the effect it can have on my day. Nowhere is this more impactful than in my relationships with those who are closest to me, especially in how I respond to my kids. The difference between being irritated or angry, and feeling irritated or angry is literally like I’m a different person. And recognising that what I’m feeling will disappear if I choose to let it go is liberating on a level that few other things are.
I’ve been meditating intermittently for a couple of years but it’s only in the last 6 months or so that it’s become more of a daily practice, so this is something that can have an outsized influence on your life within a relatively short period.
Sam Harris’ Waking up app is probably the meditation resource that I’d recommend above others for a few reasons:
- Harris has conceived of the app from the ground up as a course that you progress through rather than a series of isolated and discrete meditations. The introductory course is especially useful.
- The conversations in the app are both interesting and insightful, providing a diverse background and range of contexts for the meditation practice.
- The concept of 60-90 second “Moments” – brief reminders to be in the moment – that randomly arrive during the day is a game-changer.
- It’s a well-designed, visually appealing app that’s under active development.
- If you can’t afford the monthly subscription (or simply don’t believe it’s worth the cost), write to the support team and they give it to you for free. Harris has said many times that he doesn’t want money to be the reason that you’re not meditating.